Interview with Tony Somers by Stuart Willams

I first met Tony at one of Geoff Thompson’s Masterclasses. I have been fortunate to spend some time with him over the last year or so, and am honoured to have the opportunity to bring some of his thinking to you here, in an ongoing series of exchanges which will be added to this page as they take place. It’s life changing stuff – if it’s put into practice.

If you’d like some encouragement and help getting to a better place than where you currently find yourself then Tony’s the man for you – warm and generous, kind and honest, with a wealth of training and experience, he leads from the front – always.

Stu: Hi Tony, thanks for taking some time for this chat. How would you have felt if someone had told you, when you first walked into Fox Ford karate dojo, that by 2011 you’d be a well respected professional counsellor who’d helped countless clients (including a BAFTA winner) with genuinely life-changing advice?

Tony: Hi Stuart and thank you for your time. I think if someone had said those things to me I would have either laughed or thought I was listening to someone from the local asylum – maybe even both.

In those days my life consisted of working in a car factory all week and getting drunk at the weekends. That was my reality, it was all that I knew, and, to be honest, I was happy with it, because I didn’t know any other way of living. Everyone around me lived like that; family and friends – and I just followed suit.

I always felt that there must be more to life than what I was experiencing, but I just didn’t know what that more could be, my horizons were very limited.

I went along to Geoff’s Karate club to make myself stronger in my world, because, especially around alcohol, things could get pretty scary. In hindsight I wasn’t thinking about changing my reality, but just making myself more comfortable in the reality that I knew so well.

I guess that every time we try something new, or step into a new arena, we expand our reality. We realise that we do have choices and that we can start to change our reality. There are other ways of living, there are other realities. I have learnt that, to a large extent – and it is a very large extent – we actually create our own reality. We do this through our thoughts; your thoughts become your reality, so be very careful what you think about or focus on. So when I stepped into the Do Jo for the very first time I was actually starting to change my reality in a massive way.

I would say that I have changed my life almost beyond recognition; my thinking has most definitely changed. Which is a good thing, but it also has a knock on effect on those people around you. People often say to me, “it’s you who has changed, not me” and I can’t argue with that. I now understand the saying “ignorance is bliss.” I don’t believe it, but I understand it. So, going back to your original question, I just would not have been able to imagine my life being like this back then, it would not have registered in my brain in any way shape or form.

Knowing what I know now, I will not be surprised where I end up, or what I end up doing in the future. Anything is possible, and I really do believe that. My reality has changed, it has expanded, but I also know that there are realities out there just waiting to be discovered; realities that, because of my limited information or knowledge, at the moment I can not comprehend. However, I am now looking forward to discovering them and I will be open to them.

I see my role as a counsellor/coach as a way of helping people to see that they do have choices, and that they can change their present realities for new ones. After all I am living proof, I have walked the walk. And I have also surrounded myself with people like you, Stuart, who have done the same, which helps – as we all need a bit of inspiration at times.

Stu: Thanks for your kind words. Tony, one of the most striking first impressions of you is your calm and reassuring manner. Is this something you have a always had naturally, or have you grown it gradually over the years through your experiences?

Tony: I think I have always been a quiet and calm sort of person, which can be a blessing but also a curse.

It’s good to be able to listen to people, I don’t know many good listeners but I know hundreds of good talkers. When we listen to people we are actually giving them our time and attention, which, at a deeper level, tells them that we think they are worth listening to, and that therefore we value them and what they have to say. I believe that all human beings want to feel these things, validation, love, significance. If you can help someone to feel these things then you have a friend for life; for me it’s basic communication skills, but, as humans, most of us just want to talk about ourselves, “me, me, me – and, here is some more about me”.

As the eldest of four brothers I always looked out for my siblings and felt that they could come and talk to me. In my role as a counsellor, being able to listen to people is a must. I have sat with parents who have lost a child, and, trust me when I say this, there is nothing you can say that will make them feel any better. All you can do is acknowledge their pain and listen to what they have to say. They don’t want to hear what you think, or what experiences you have had, they just want to grieve and be heard.

The curse side of being quiet and calm is that sometimes it can feel as if you are not being heard yourself, and I do struggle with this.

I think if you have a habit of being quiet it can be hard to speak out. For example, I have studied for years, and worked in some really hard areas to gain my counselling/coaching experience, and then I see someone who has done a weeks NLP course telling the world that they are an expert in life coaching. In one way I admire them for this – what’s wrong with singing your own praises? In another way it causes me frustration, because I am not singing my own praises, which is utterly and completely about me and not them. It’s as if I am waiting to be heard or discovered and unfortunately that doesn’t always happen.

There are lots of advantages to being calm and quiet, but there are also times in life when you need to stand up and shout out loud to the world, about who you are and what you can do, and you really need to believe in yourself to do this. It’s a double edged sword really; as a fireman I was always told that, at a car crash, I was always to treat the quiet ones first. The thinking being that the ones who were screaming the loudest must be OK if they could scream. The quiet ones were usually in the greatest need of help. However in life it sometimes seems that the ones who shout the loudest get all the attention – so I guess the lesson is: if you are in a car wreck keep quiet, but, if you are in business, shout as loud as you can, and let everyone know that you are there.

I am not always as calm as I may appear. Although I always aim to be calm – as I have found that even under pressure calmness helps me to focus and think – I have never found a benefit in panicking. I like to pause for a moment, even under pressure, and gather my thoughts; and this really helps me. I have seen a lot of people make big mistakes under pressure when they have panicked.

I also believe that calmness comes through confidence; I am quietly confident in my own abilities. I know who I am, and I know through life experiences what my strong and weak points are.

There have been times in my life where I have thought “this is it, my time is up”, even in my therapy work. I have found myself in front of people who have experienced the most horrendous things. My internal dialogue goes something like this (while trying to look very calm):

“What am I going to do here? I am so out of my depth.”

Followed by:

“Right, don’t panic, stay calm. What’s the worst that can happen?”

And, finally:

“Please, God, help me out here, I am handing this situation over to you as I know you will never let me down.”

And he never has. Ever since I was a small boy I have always felt massively guided, and this belief has been a major comfort to me and helps me to stay calm even under intense pressure.

So, to answer your original question, I think I am naturally calm, but it is a quality I really like, so I have nurtured it and made it work for me as a person. And the feedback I get from other people is that my calmness helps them to feel comfortable and relaxed around me, which can only be a good thing. People seem to see my calmness as a strength, which helps them to feel safe; so if I can help people to feel safer and better about themselves in a hectic world, then I like that.

Stu: You mentioned alcohol at the beginning, Tony. For me total abstinence is important these days. As a counsellor, what do you say to someone who comes to you asking for advice about drinking, and how did your own relationship with alcohol progress from the situation you described in your first answer?

Tony: Alcohol is a major problem in modern society and causes much debate. It seems to be so acceptable that even potential prime ministers on the election trail will stop and have a pint of beer with ye olde working class people in a local pub (you can tell from the look on their faces that they are not enjoying the experience). Every soap on TV is based around a bar, and advertisers seem to pick specific targets with their campaigns – sometimes young people, or at other times women.

Lots of the top inspirational coaches or spiritual people I listen to do advocate total abstinence. I believe that the danger with alcohol is that it can creep up on you; you think that you have it under control but suddenly you are drinking every night. I remember a good friend of mine in the fire service telling me he how he was so glad when night shifts came around because it meant he didn’t have to drink!!

I class myself as a moderate drinker but I go through stages where I don’t drink at all for a few months. I remember telling another friend of mine that I was abstaining from alcohol. He, like a lot of people seem to do, took this as a personal swipe at him (it most definitely wasn’t) and said, “Well I drink 6 cans of Stella every night and it doesn’t do me any harm” This was a guy who liked to keep fit, but as he spoke his beer belly was almost bursting out of his shorts.

I think that it is important not to judge people. If someone wants to drink, then good for them, if someone does not want to drink, then good for them too. When I don’t drink I get called boring by the people in my company who are drinking – which I find really ironic, because I can’t think of anything more boring than listening to a bunch of drunks repeating themselves and laughing at the same old story over and over again.

As a counsellor, I have seen the havoc that alcohol can cause in peoples lives. I remember being in my good friend Paul Regan’s “All About Addictions” clinic in Coventry, and reading a poster entitled, “Alcohol, The Great Remover”. It was very powerful, and gave a long and very comprehensive list of the things that alcohol takes away from people, such as, relationships, family, friends, health, money, jobs, and even life itself

For me, moderation/balance seems to be the key. Growing up I had an uncle who had a massively powerful and positive influence on my life. He lived alone, had no TV, but was into health foods long before it was fashionable to be into them. He walked everywhere (sometimes miles and miles) and swam in the sea every day all year round (he lived by the coast). The guy just oozed health and well being, and had a great attitude to life. He would sit with my dad and uncles while they drank pint of beer after pint of beer, followed by whisky chasers, but he would have one pint, or, at a real push, maybe two, over the course of a night. While they were talking crap he was easy to talk to and hold a conversation with. He never judged them; he just did what was right for him. He once told me he often went a year or more without a drink, and he most definitely could take or leave it. Unfortunately the majority of people are not like this, one drink leads to another, then another, and so on. So I personally think alcohol is ok, as long as you are in control of it and not the other way around.

I would never tell anyone what to eat or drink, it’s their choice. If someone asks me my opinion, or even what I eat or drink, then I will share this information with them. I don’t feel that I have the right to preach to people, or tell them what to do; they are the experts in their own lives. In my opinion there are too many so-called gurus telling people how they should live their lives, and, as I have said before, usually their inauthenticy is blinding. The sad thing is that, at a deep level, they know this, which is why they do it, to cover their own inadequacies.

Counselling wise, I was taught very early on not to counsel someone who smelled of drink. Which makes sense, because talking to a drunk is very hard; you might as well talk to the bottle of beer that they have been drinking, you will get more sense out of the bottle than from them. If somebody comes to me with a drink or drugs problem, then, as well as looking at practical ways to help them to stop, I also look at what are the root causes behind their problem. People often see drinking as the solution to their problem but then the perceived solution becomes a part of the problem.

People drink for all sorts of reasons, boredom, low self-esteem, low self-worth etc; so, if we can eliminate the original problem it should take away the need to drink, (easier said than done). Groups like AA are brilliant but you do need to actually want help and then take action and go for it.

I know many alcoholics who have turned their lives around dramatically. My friend Paul Regan is a classic example; his life was in the gutter through drink, but he hasn’t had a drink now for 8 years, so I think if you want to be inspired go and listen to someone like him, who has had some dramatic real life experience.

I do have a drink sometimes and I do eat rubbish food sometimes, but I don’t usually drink when I am out and about as I like to keep my wits about me. Last year Paul Regan, Tony Preston and myself went to a bar in Liverpool where they only sold Tea. I have to say it was a fantastic night, we listened to a guy give a great presentation on relationships. Another guy got up with his guitar and sang Bob Dylan songs, it was brilliant, and there was no alcohol in sight – only cups of glorious tea!

Stu: I’ve attended three of your inspiration and success courses; so far, Tony, and experienced huge gains in personal growth from each one. What would you say, yourself, about the courses, to anyone who thinks they might try coming along. Or even to those who think they have nothing at all to gain from one?

Tony: It does take a certain degree of courage to come along to one of our courses. I really admire people like yourself, Stuart, who do make the effort, and have the courage to get there. I always try to provide a safe and friendly environment but it’s always a bit risky to start looking at yourself, and at why you believe and do the things that you do.

I truly believe that we are the experts in our own lives and that some where within us we have the answers to all of our own questions. It’s my job as a facilitator to ask the right questions and provide the right settings so that people can delve inside and find the answers that they are looking for. I think most of us are looking for easy answers and, unfortunately, there are hundreds if not thousands of people out there who are ready to provide those answers (at a price of course).

Unfortunately, and I am aware that this is a controversial thing to say, I have been approached by several life coaches/hypnotherapists who want me to work with them. I have to say that many of these people are very incongruent as they have never worked on their own issues. Some do have good intentions but still, how can you help others if you are living a lie yourself, and don’t practice even half of the things that you preach? Its not about being perfect, its about being congruent, and realising and admitting your own frailties, and not trying to pretend that you are some Guru who has suddenly found the answers to the human races problems in the pages of a Paul McKenna book (no offence Paul, he is very good).

I remember my NLP coach telling me to forget feelings and that they didn’t matter. I think sometimes people do just need a quick change of focus so they don’t have to go into their feelings. However, it’s my experience that all the answers lay within the feelings, and to make long and lasting changes you have to explore feelings, and that takes courage. Its like trying to learn a martial art via DVDs, you may pick up some useful tips but you won’t learn the really good and important stuff until you actually physically do it in the real world.

Our courses are very honest; it takes hard work and courage to overcome our fears. First of all we all know that we have areas that we need to work on, but we don’t like to admit that we are scared or vulnerable, and that’s ok. However, unless we have the courage to get our fears out into the open then how can we ever hope to control them?

Life is hard, and we all need help or even an inspirational boost at times, its not weak to admit these things its actually a strong thing to do. I really do believe that our perceived weaknesses are really our hidden strengths, and when we share them, as you have seen, Stuart, the growth that takes place in the whole room is immense.

Society has told us that we should be tough, strong, determined, focused etc but there are times when we just don’t feel these things. In my experience when I have felt weak, or powerless, I then proceed to emotionally and psychologically beat myself up for not being strong, how mad is that? I tell myself that I am weak and a failure for not living up to the labels that other people have given me.

I am really happy with the courses, they are so simple and yet have taken a long time to develop. I have had to face many of my own fears in putting these courses on, but they are literally life changing events and the feedback has been amazing. I just do not believe that there are any easy answers (simple yes, easy no); we have to do the work. It’s about stripping away years and years of conditioning to get back to who we really are, and my belief is that we are all spiritual beings with immense power at heart.

So what will people get off the course? Acceptance, understanding, inspiration, motivation, love, approval, friendship and much more. I believe in myself, the people on the course and God, and how can we fail with such belief? The people that I work with, Tony Preston, Paul Regan, and Matty Evans, are all amazing people; you can not help but be inspired by these people and their stories. They inspire you to make changes and want to do better because they are so honest, and they live by what they say, and that is very rare.

When you see a room full of people who have been inspired it’s amazing, it’s just honest down to earth personal development with no trickery and no bullshit and the results are fantastic, it truly is inspirational stuff. If you think that you have nothing to gain from coming on one then all I can say is think again. It’s hard to sit in a room full of great people and not learn something or be inspired.

I think if you are of the mind that you have nothing to learn from others then one of two things are happening. Either you are in a great place emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, and if this is the case then I would like to meet you and learn how you attained such enlightenment, or on the other hand your vulnerabilities, or perceived vulnerabilities, are so great that you have buried them behind layer after layer of defences.

The bigger the vulnerabilities the bigger the defences. It’s ironic that the most defended people, in other words the ones with the lowest self worth, are usually the ones that put on the biggest acts to impress others and be liked. The sad thing is that most people see through the act and can’t stand them, which is really sad. “To thine own self be true” comes to mind.

I am really passionate about my work, I see God in the courses, and I love them, and the effect that they are having on people, I just want to make them bigger and better. We do very gently push and encourage people on the courses (you won’t be made to do something that you do not want to do) but we lead by example, and follow the old verse that by shining ourselves we then allow others to shine.

If you are in a room full of people who are shining its hard not to follow suit.

Tremendous stuff, thanks, Tony – more to follow soon…

Stuart Williams is an Author, certified to teach self protection by Geoff Thompson, and a regular on the Geoff Thompson Masterclass; A member of Al Peasland & Mick Tully’s CSP Family, Tiger Tamer c/o Jim Lawless; & Social Media Publicist for the feature film Snowman – Get Involved!